My Sammuraimmortal
by ThinkingCAPSLOCK
Summary: I AM SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA!1    A My Immortal parody.
1. Chapter 1

**My Sammuraimmortal**

I AM SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA.  
I AM INDEBTED TO MY OYAAAKATAAASAMMAAAAA!one BECAUSE HE IS THE TIGER OF TAKEDA.  
ALSO HE IS REALLY HOT.  
I MEAN REALLY. LOOK AT THOSE MUSCLES. THEY ARE BURSTING WITH TESTOSTERONE, NO LIES.

It was a warm day in that samurai place that I live, Takeda, but not without a breeze de gozaru.  
I walked down the street, MY AURA BURNING PASSIONATELY LIKE JUST SO MANY SUNS MOEEERUUUU!

"Yukimura."

I turn to see my retainer, Sarutobi Sasuke, standing before me.

"I have failed you," he says, glistening man-tears in his eyes, prostrating himself at my feet. "The dango cart...was empty!" He stifles a sob into his armor.

"NO FEAR," I reply with all the manliness I could muster, "FOR I AM SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA, AND I CAN FIND DANGO USING ONLY MY NOSE AND THE PINKY FINGER ON MY LEFT HAND."

Thus, we depart, on an EPIC JOURNEY TO GET SWEETS BECAUSE I LOVE SWEETS THEY ARE SO VERY DELICIOUS. I AM YUKIMURA.

"YUUKIIMURAA!"

I turn to see my eternal foe/ally/lover, Date Masamune, standing in the path.

"WE MUST FIGHT NOW LIKE MEN, PASSIONATELY!" he shouted sexily. Because he is sexy. And manly.

"YES! LET US FIGHT! OUR SOULS WILL BURN LIKE FIRE AND THEN FUSE!" I shout back in my most manly voice as it cracks with fanboy love.

"UWAHHHH LET US PARTY!" Date screams sexily as he stabs at me with his six apparati (is that the plural of apparatus? WHO CARES, I'M SANADA FUCKING GENJIROU YUKIMURA) in a very sexy manner.

He bursts into fire, a fire which is blue, and also sexy. I, too, burst into a less sexy but OH SO HOT BURNING RED INFERNO UWOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!

I can see Sasuke facepalming in the corner of my eye as I fight SO FUCKING PASSIONATELY. But because I am Sanada Genjirou Yukimura, I do not understand what a facepalm is. Or why. Who am I? I'm Sanada Genjirou Yukimura.

Date sexily wins eventually BUT ONLY BY A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE I AM COOL AND TOTALLY LET HIM WIN IF MY SOUL WAS BURNING A LITTLE BRIGHTER I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE WON TOTALLY. Because I am manly. I didn't want to hurt his pride. I was also distracted by his seventh sword.

Date stands over me sexily grinning, and then we do you-know-what and my ass hurts. It was erotic.

CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 2


	2. Chapter 2

**My Sammuraimmortal –Part 2—**

I AM STILL SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA.

MY GOOD FRIENDS CALL ME YUKIMOERA BECAUSE I BUURNNN! MOEEERRUUU!

Today was a MANLY day! However, every day for me is MANLY because I am SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA and I do not do women!

Anyway! This day was especially MANLY because I went for a long walk along the river of that place I live that OYAKATAAAASAMAAAA fell in that one time! It was very spring-like and beautiful and so I could only think of delicious dango. HOW I WANT DANGO RIGHT NOW! My sweet tooth, like my lust, can never be satiated!

"YUKIIMURAAA!"

I was greeted by a punch in the face. A _sexy_ punch in the face. By a sexy man.

It was my great lord master molester OYAKATAAASAMAAAA!

"OYAKATAAASAMAAAA!" I ran and punched him in the face.

"YUKIIMURAAA!" He, also, punched me in the face.

Then we punched each other in the face _at the same time. _IT WAS SO MANLY! And sexy. _Really_ sexy.

MY PASSION IS UNRIVALED! FIGHT TO THE END! I BURST INTO A FLAMING RED FLAME OF FLAMING FLAMENESS OOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUWAAAAAAAAA!

I ran at OYAKATAAASAMAAASDLJGSDSA;LASDJK!

He punched me in the face. I fell.

"THAT WAS GLORIOUS! AS EXPECTED OF OYAKATAAASAMAAA!" I bleed loudly. At least I think that is what I said. My jaw may not have been part of my body. BUT WHO CARES? I AM SANADA FUCKING GENJIROU YUKIMURA AND I DO NOT NEED A JAW TO SPEAK!

"BECOME STRONGER, YOUNG TIGER!" OYAKATAAASAMAAAA shouts cryptically. Because he is _cool_. Also he is sexy. _Very_ sexy. I would sex him any day, if I knew what exactly sex was. But I'm sure it is sexy.

"YES!" I bow low to the ground, my MANLY tears flowing from my face, voice cracking out of sheer fanboyish passionate passion. IF ONLY DATE MASAMOANE COULD SEE ME NOW! Surely, then he would succumb to my sexy awesomeness, for I am SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA. MY SOUL, LIKE MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT, IS STRONG! I SHALL PREVAIL!

I see Sasuke out of the corner of my eye. He is crying. I do not know why. He mutters something about his master being pathetic. I do not know the meaning of "pathetic". I am sure it means PASSIONATE FLAMING INFERNO OF FIERY SOUL FUSION! Or something similar. And by "similar" I mean "sexy".

_Very sexy._

Because I am SANADA GENJRIOU YUKIMURA! UUUUOOOWWWOOOOOo!


	3. Chapter 3

**My Sammuraimmortal –Part 3-**

YET AGAIN I AM SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA.

THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN THAT EVERY MANLIED A MAN.

I AM SO MANLY, GAZING UPON ME SHALL CAUSE YOUR BARE, WIMPY CHESTS TO SPROUT GARDENS OF HAIR.

They will not create bears yet though because I am not yet at the level of my OYAKATASEXYSAMA. His testosterone fuels the fire of a thousand muscley dragons. And each of them has chest hair. They have woven it into beards.

I am getting off topic. Sexily off topic.

Today my lowly but somehow still very attractive retainer Sasuke came to me. And by came I mean walked towards and not the other meaning of the word.

Though he did that, too. It was sexy.

NO, TODAY SASUKE'S MISSION WAS CLEAR. Clear to him. Not to me. I, Sanada Genjirou Yukimura, have no idea what the fuck he was saying. But I do know that it was sexy.

"OH GREAT SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA," he said to me, or at least I think he said it like that because I was eating delicious sweets and not really listening (though I'm sure that's what he said), "OH GREAT AND SEXY SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA. Why do you not have a girlfriend?"

And I turned to him with a look on my manly face that shouted confusion. Confusion and sexiness. I turned to him and I said seducingly, "What is this 'friend of girl' of which you speak?"

And then he slammed his face into his palm in a gesture I do not fully understand because I am SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA and I do not need to know such trivial things. Generals do not need to know these things you see. All they need to know is THE GREAT FLAMES OF BATTLE AND HOW BRIGHTLY YOU MUST BURN TO DEFEAT ALL THE ENEMIES UOOOOOO. The soul of the battlefield is all that matters to a man.

Stifling a sob of which I can only assume was brought on by my terrifying manliness and/or sexy heat, he said, "OH GREAT SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA"—at least, that's what I think he said, I still wasn't really paying attention—"OH GREAT SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA a girl friend is a girl that is your friend but more than that."

"More than that?" I asked. "DOES SHE FUEL THE FLAMES OF BATTLE AND FIGHT BOTH FOR AND AGAINST YOU AT ALL TIMES? DOES SHE MAKE THE BLOOD BOIL AND SEND YOU INTO A FIT OF FIERY BERSERKER MADNESS?"

"Probably not in the way that you are thinking, milord, no," said Sasuke.

"I SEE," I said. But I didn't. Not even a little bit. "CONTINUE," I commanded, stroking one of my two spears, and then the third other spear. Sasuke does not like when I do this so I knew he would hurry up and finish what he was saying. He was talking about girls and women and friends that are girls and women and I like none of those things when they are girls or women.

"Stop that," he said. "A girlfriend is someone you do…you know, things with. That you can't do with other men."

"INTERESTING," I said in my best Oyakata-sama voice. "CONTINUE."

"I'm just saying, maybe you'd like to see a girl sometime."

I stroke my spears and nod. "Yes. I see. I have but one more question, Sasuke-san."

"Yes?"

I narrow my eyes in a fiercely intelligent way. I can feel the fire burst around me in the epitome of MANLY MANLY MANLINESS. "What is a girl?"

He sobs again. Sexily. My flaming aura must resonate with him well today!

"Girls, Yukimura-dono. GIRLS. With breasts. You know…breasts?" He makes a strange gesture at his chest and I stare at him.

"Like that enemy ninja I see you with at times?" I ask sexily. If breasts are what I think they are (and they must be for I am SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA and I am never wrong), then she has the greatest breasts of all. She also has the only breasts I have seen. BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT BECAUSE I AM A GENERAL AND GENERALS DO NOT CARE FOR JIGGLING WOMAN PARTS.

"Yes. Exactly."

"I see. So to be a girl I must have concealed weapons." I nod. Yes. It all makes sense now. The jiggling parts must be all of her super secret ninja weapons. Also sweets. Because what fool would dare have such large parts and not carry around sweets?

"No, that's a ninja. Ninjas have concealed weapons."

"But her concealed weapons—" I make that sexy gesture at my chest with my fiery hands—"this is how you become a girl?"

"Again, that's sort of right, but I don't think you're thinking the right—"

"I SEE. SO TO WIN BATTLES I MUST BECOME A GIRLFRIEND."

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all!" Sasuke shrieked sexily. "Please understand what I am saying, Yukimura-dono!" There are tears in his eyes now. My soul is so passionate, it has penetrated his deepest soul parts. Just like my third spear does.

"Oh, I understand. I understand _completely_." I make sexy eyes at him. Sexy burning manly eyes. "I shall carry out these orders immediately!" And I spring to my feet, devouring the last of my dango with a fierce and manly ravenousnousous.

"You don't understand at all! What order? DAMMIT!" he shouts. But by "dammit" I am sure he means "awesome" and by "don't understand" I know he means "understand perfectly" because I am SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA AND MY PASSIONATE HEART CANNOT BE QUELLED BY FOOLISH "LOGIC". I SHALL FIND OUT THE SECRET OF THIS "GIRLFRIEND" AND BECOME UNBEATABLE, EVEN TOWARDS THAT STUPID SEXY MASAMOANE WHO I AM DEFINITELY NOT IN LOVE WITH AT ALL.

DEFINITELY.

Thus, I dash down the road in a blaze of fiery fury, my soul burning like the hottest hot sun exploding into a sea of hotness. And sexy.

_Because I'm Sanada Fucking Genjirou Yukimura._


	4. Chapter 4

**My Sammuraimmortal –Part 4—**

GOOD DAY. I AM SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA.

MY TESTOSTERONE LEVELS ARE SO HIGH THEY BORDER ON UNREADABLE. IN A SEXY WAY.

Today I was running in circles around town in order to strengthen my sexy leg muscles. They are taught and lean and manly and they glisten with manly sweat. NO WOMAN COULD EVER ACHIEVE SUCH A MANLY SWEAT. IT IS MADE OF TESTOSTERONE AND MANNESS.

Each time I pass a dango cart, I tell my honourable retainer Sasuke to purchase for me eight orders of dango. Then I eat them. Sexily. Really, I shake my head and my ponytail swings all around and it's the hottest thing ever. But I am made of the passionate fire of the soul, so of course I am hot. I BURN LIKE THE INFERNO OF BATTLE UWOOO

My Oyakatasamasexysama came to me. He shouted "YUKIMOERAAAA" and then I shouted "OYAKATASAMAMAAAA" and then he shouted "YUKIMOOEEEEERAAAA" and then we PUNCHED EACH OTHER IN THE FACE because that is what MANLY MEN DO. They punch each other. In the face.

When I had crawled out of the two foot deep crater that my body had created in the wall (they don't build walls like they used to UWOOO), I prostrated myself at his feet. Not like that, you silly pervert. Well a little bit. BUT I AM SEXANDA GENJIROU YUKIMOERA and my sexiness CANNOT BE CONTAINED.

Sasuke watched from a distance as always. He prefers to watch. He is not a man of action like ME. His fiery spirit cannot contend! Only my loverenemyallybro Date Masamoane can compete! ONLY WITH HIM DO MY FLAMES REACH THEIR FULL POTENTIAL UWOOO

But there is no battle today and I do not see my sexy six sword plus that other sword dragon man. The (mini) Tiger of Kai is without a soul fusion! There are no purple dragon babies for us today.

Instead I fuel my soul with dango. The dango cart is empty but I ignore their pleas. "OH PLEASE, SANADA GENJIROU YUKIMURA, DO NOT EAT OUR SIGN. IT IS ONLY CANVAS AND DOES NOT TASTE LIKE DANGO!" they cry. I do not believe them. Only an enemy ninja would believe such a thing!

Just then, one of the cart owners takes off his kimono and he is GASP—DATE MASAMOANE.

Our souls erupt into the flames of a million fiery dragons and we explode with passionate battle bromance.

"Take it outside," Oyakatasama orders. 

"UOOWWWOOOOOOO" I say for that is how I agree. With manly shouts of manliness. So we explode into the air and fly like magical girls (BUT MANLY GIRLS FOR WE ARE MEN AND NOT GIRLS) out of the city to our own super special secret fighting ground.

BURRRNINGGG SOULLSSSS!


End file.
